A Personal Touch

 

Every time I write something here; I would usually tell myself that it’s to remind me of the reasons for the decisions I’ve made or the lessons I’ve learned. In actual truth, I want it to be more than that. I wish for my writings to be able to touch at least a single soul and hopefully, change his/her life for the better.

I’ve never said it out loud or write about it for that matter. I always mask it under the second reason of why I write, because I don’t think I could actually touch anyone’s life. Truth is, I have a low self-esteem, which is another issue I never said out loud nor write about. I will now.

My low self-esteem is the reason why I want to touch people’s lives. I wished that someone had touched my life and gave me the confidence I needed. I wished there were people who told me that it’s okay to fall, it’s okay not to meet people’s expectation of you, and the most important thing, to help me actually believe in myself.

      I try to live a life full of empathy. I know what is it like to be the loser, not being the brightest amongst your peers, physically weak or even being the dorkiest. In my head I will always be those things and forever will. But there are moments, moments of inspiration and triumph over those feelings and those moments are the ones I try to write it here so that it can last longer than it does in real life. And those moments are a step, it might not be a big step, but it’s still a step. I hope one day with these steps, I could finally be really out of my own shadow. And trying to live a life of empathy, makes me want to help those who are living in their own shadows as well, to take that step with me. Because nothing is better than knowing there are people there for you, to help you and for you to help and overcome the hurdles together.

 

Like all previous posts of mine, I like to reminisce the past a bit and hope that if my stories have any resemblance to your life, it allows me to connect to you better. It will tell that you are not alone in this, and tells me that I am not alone too.

 

      Back in high school I was in the English debating team. Truth be told, I always felt inferior to my teammates. No one knew this, not my teammates or even my coaches. My English was clearly lacking by the sheer amount of lectures I got on grammar. I can’t give a speech using English spontaneously without writing it down, so I always ended up looking like I’m reading my texts. When discussing, everyone else would speak in English as if it’s their first language. I had to construct sentences in my head first before even speaking. And being in an English debating team somehow makes people expect English is an easy thing. It wasn’t, at least for me.

 

If you’ve read Invictus 1, you’d know that I didn’t do particularly well in my high school final exam. My English Debate teammates all got straight As. My mum didn’t expect me to but she did expect me to get more As than I actually got. If you read my post after that one you’d also know the sheer amount of sacrifices I had to make to pass through university. It was all due to the failures of high-school that was still haunting me. I was too afraid to fail that I opted out of social life and made study my priority. Then working at a company with multiracial colleagues, means English is the main communication language. Again my self-esteem was low and at the same time there were certain level of expectation from me just by the sheer fact that I made it that far. Everyone thought I was shy or timid, and as much I am still those two, it was more because I was afraid to speak English with them, it’s bad enough you are new to the work and don’t quite understand the work, it feels even worse not being able to communicate properly.

 

There are two things that I was struggling with in the stories I just told. The internal and external struggle. Internal, being the constant battle between me and myself on what I’m capable of, my low self-esteem and my lack confidence. The external struggle being the expectations people put on you, be it from those who are close to you or even the society in general. I hope I’m not the only one who is struggling with those two almost every single day of my life.

 

      The pressure is real. There are days I couldn’t sleep. There are days I woke up sweating. Don’t get me started on the things that went through my mind while I was drowning at work. I was lucky enough to have people who I could turn to, to clear my head even just for a little while. To have a reset, to ask for help with whatever that is on my plate. I have yet to find a cure, it has always been a reset. There were moments of enlightenment that kept me positive for a longer period and I wrote those enlightenments in my blog. And if you check, there are only 3 in the past decade or so. I always hoped that anyone facing similar issues could take note of my moment of enlightenment and help them overcome their struggles too, even for a short moment. If it didn’t help, I hope that they have a reset button too, people they could go to, to release some of the pressure and have the will to fight another day. If you don’t have one, find one because know that there are a lot of people struggling in this world and those who are struggling would want to help each other or at least listen because we know what is it like to be in the situation. I hope I have at least been a good listener to those around me or even to whoever that have reached out to me. Treat people the way you want them to treat you. Lend your ears to those in need and one day they will lend theirs to you. Believe that despite all the negativity in the world, there are positives and cling on to it.

 

I’ll be honest and admit that my background isn’t the worst. I come from a middle class family, went to a good school, actually won a number of debating competitions, managed to pass university with a relatively flying colours and actually went to work at a top-tier auditing firm. The reason why I’m telling you this is because despite the fact that my life would be considered as a success to some, the internal and external pressure still haunt me and perhaps may even haunt me more than it would haunt those with less fortunate life. It’s a mental thing and it affects anyone regardless of your social status, your background or anything for that matter.

 

As I’m writing this, it has just come to my realisation that this post relates to the mental health issues everyone has been talking about. And as much as I hate to admit it, I just realised I might just have it to. This makes me wonder, who else has it too and is just too afraid to admit it. We have heard news of successful individuals or even celebrities who had these issues and some even opted out of life. We have heard those who are poor doing just the same. We’ve seen people who smile and crack jokes in public but cry in private. In fact, some of us are those people, and I’ll admit here too that I am guilty of that. I have friends who are the funniest, the happiest go lucky person I’ve met, came to me in private and tell me about their problems. One thing is to know that anyone could have it and another is to know not to judge anyone about it. Be it to judge when someone has one, or even worse, is to judge that someone shouldn’t have it. It’s easy not to judge when someone has it. But to always assume that whoever, seem to be successful or happy, not to have it, is even worse, because you never know when that someone actually needs you, and needs you to understand and listen.

 

      In 2019 I made a conscious decision to quit my audit job. With no job offer. My interest of the job just doesn’t quite coincide with mine. With the effort, sacrifices and the toll it had on me, it was just not worth it anymore. Some see it as quitting, failing at fulfilling your career. Some see it as triumph, the will to move on from what isn’t for you despite the reward it grants. Either way, it’s an expectation needed to be filled. One is to prove that it wasn’t quitting or failure and the other is to live up to the expectation that it was a right decision, that things would / should only go upwards from there. Both are external expectations. Heavy expectations. Shouldn’t I just ignore them? Easier said than done especially when those expectations are from those who are really close to you. I keep a close circle to limit those expectations and yet, it still feels so heavy. Imagine those of a bigger circle. Or is it just me? How do you feel about people’s expectation of you? Have you ever been in a situation that nothing you do would please everyone?

 

In the year 2020, a restaurant that I have heavily invested in was finally opened after months of planning. It was a big first step in proving that my decision to quit my job, was a good one. Two days after it was opened, the government declared a national lockdown due to COVID-19, and it has been in a lockdown ever since. The first big step, when you thought you can see some light, life just knocks you down to the deep end of the black hole. I was helpless, clueless, frustrated and of course, depressed. There was nothing I could do. A huge sum of my savings was there. I had no job, that was the only thing I had.

 

Fulfilling any expectation was out of the window. Again my decisions were questioned, both by external parties and even myself. And that was all I could do. Again and again you question yourself, spiraling in a deeper hole as I think where I had ended up and how further deep I could go in this black hole. There was no end to it because we were confined in our house, nothing much could be done. I was unable to speak to anyone because I was ashamed of myself, I can’t bear telling anyone how in bad shape I was and having people look at me with pity or even disappointment. I rarely show my low self-esteem, or how weak or vulnerable I am, but at that stage, I can’t even fake it anymore. I was afraid I could see it in their face of what they think of me, and all the bad things I thought of myself is also what they would think of me, despite whatever they say, or even worse, if they just brush it off. I secluded myself, and all those negative thoughts just keep on coming.

 

There are times that we are in control of what happen around us, there are times we just don’t. It’s either there is literally nothing we could do, or our brain simply just can’t muster anything that could be done. Either way, it has the same outcome. Sometimes people just don’t realise that when someone isn’t doing anything, it’s not because they don’t want to, but it’s because they can’t for whatever limitations they have. Not everyone is smart, not everyone has the money, not everyone has a supporting environment, not everyone was given a chance, not everyone was born confident, not everyone has a parent, not everyone has a good mental health.

 

            It seems that the world we live in right now, everyone is trying to find someone else’s fault, what is their weakness, what are they lacking, what can go wrong, why does someone even exist and the digging goes a long way to the pettiest of things, all without thinking of the consequence of things. A lonely person who thinks they have no reason to live and then being confirmed or told the same thing by the society, will just opt out of life. A poor person who wants to try to have a good life but being told he will never, might just give up trying. A teacher who tries her best to teach her students in English, but is being told her English is so bad, might just stop teaching all together.

 

Most people know their own weakness, they don’t need to be told again what are their weakness, they need help to improve. Why are we as a society so adamant that bringing people down is the only way to bring us up. All of us have a weakness, if we help each other out, we could all bring ourselves up without bringing anyone down. Perhaps it feels good to bring people down, but it is certainly not being the receiving end. Karma is indeed a bitch. Life is like a wheel, sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down. It’s about time we break the wheel and help everyone when they are down so that we could all move forward rather than being stuck in a cycle of despair.

 

              I am not out of my shadow just yet. Nowhere near it. At any moment or day, depression might just hit me out of nowhere. A heavy one or even a mild one, it’s still something I wouldn’t want even on my enemy to have. All my other posts have ended on a positive note, a solution or even a positive reminder. Don’t give up, believe in yourself, have faith, take that leap, push yourself, go through that struggle. I have said all that. I’m not going to say it again here, here, is where I say it’s never easy and it might never will be. Here, what I will say is that despite all that, it is okay, not to be okay. It’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to forgo today, to live another day. It’s normal, you are not alone. Do what you need to do, to fight another day.

 

              This time, I’ll be honest and say this post is not about a reminder to myself of better days or as a motivation for me as I survive a nightmare. I have yet to survive this, I hope I will and perhaps I will write about it when I do. This post is perhaps a reflection of my life that it does not always end on a positive, and that is life and I won’t hide it. It’s a personal touch. A real touch of life. I do, however have a purpose for this post. More of a hope than a purpose. I’m hoping that my post would give some ease to those who are going through tough times, that they are not alone. A lot of us are going through this and knowing we are not alone, and we should talk about it to connect to others in the same storm and perhaps help each other out. If there is no one you can count on, there’s always a way to reach out to me.

      I’m also hoping that people realise mental health is a real thing and it’s frightening. People should realise this and be the best version of themselves and avoid causing others having a mental issue. Have empathy, don’t judge, help those in need, do whatever you can to make people happy, no matter how small it is. Have empathy, be the better person always, be kind even when others don’t. Be more understanding, know that we can never be in anyone’s shoes and know what they are going through. My friend argued with me that it’s impossible to get the society to be understanding and always have empathy first before hatred or judgement, but in the end he agreed that it all starts with one. One step, one person. If I could influence him, it would already be a better place than it was yesterday. If he can influence another and then another. It will create a chain of a better tomorrow. It’s not an overnight thing, but every step is worth something. So my hope is that this post will at least influence one person to have more empathy, to acknowledge mental health is an issue faced by a lot of people and it can’t be seen so you should always avoid contributing to that issue. You might just save a life.

 

I am not out of the shadow, but deep inside, I still have hope that I cling on to. Take constant effort to hold on to that hope. Thank you to those who helped, you know who you are. Hopefully I have helped you the way you have helped me. Have hope, stay safe and know that there is always someone there for you. Peace.

  As I post this, my country is currently in our 3rd lockdown. An extension of it was just announced. It has been one hell of a roller coaster ride. Too many uncertainties from both the virus as well as the people in charge of combating this pandemic. We are left in the dark on any exit strategies as well as any financial help. Uncertainties creates anxieties. And anxieties , fatigue , and morale amongst other things are at an all time high. The light at the end of the tunnel seems to go further away as time passes by. Cash are flowing out fast and cash coming in is almost non-existent. Helpless. I could only pray and hope of a better tomorrow. And that I survive this. We survive this. Together. Hopefully. Godspeed.