Every time I
write something here; I would usually tell myself that it’s to remind me of the
reasons for the decisions I’ve made or the lessons I’ve learned. In actual
truth, I want it to be more than that. I wish for my writings to be able to touch
at least a single soul and hopefully, change his/her life for the better.
I’ve never
said it out loud or write about it for that matter. I always mask it under the
second reason of why I write, because I don’t think I could actually touch
anyone’s life. Truth is, I have a low self-esteem, which is another issue I
never said out loud nor write about. I will now.
My low
self-esteem is the reason why I want to touch people’s lives. I wished that
someone had touched my life and gave me the confidence I needed. I wished there
were people who told me that it’s okay to fall, it’s okay not to meet people’s
expectation of you, and the most important thing, to help me actually believe
in myself.
I try to live a life full of empathy. I know what is it like to be the loser, not being the brightest amongst your peers, physically weak or even being the dorkiest. In my
head I will always be those things and forever will. But there are moments,
moments of inspiration and triumph over those feelings and those moments are
the ones I try to write it here so that it can last longer than it does in real
life. And those moments are a step, it might not be a big step, but it’s still
a step. I hope one day with these steps, I could finally be really out of my
own shadow. And trying to live a life of empathy, makes me want to help those
who are living in their own shadows as well, to take that step with me. Because
nothing is better than knowing there are people there for you, to help you and
for you to help and overcome the hurdles together.
Like all
previous posts of mine, I like to reminisce the past a bit and hope that if my
stories have any resemblance to your life, it allows me to connect to you better.
It will tell that you are not alone in this, and tells me that I am not alone
too.
Back in high
school I was in the English debating team. Truth be told, I always felt
inferior to my teammates. No one knew this, not my teammates or even my coaches.
My English was clearly lacking by the sheer amount of lectures I got on
grammar. I can’t give a speech using English spontaneously without writing it
down, so I always ended up looking like I’m reading my texts. When discussing,
everyone else would speak in English as if it’s their first language. I had to
construct sentences in my head first before even speaking. And being in an
English debating team somehow makes people expect English is an easy thing. It
wasn’t, at least for me.
If you’ve read
Invictus 1, you’d know that I didn’t do particularly well in my high school
final exam. My English Debate teammates all got straight As. My mum didn’t
expect me to but she did expect me to get more As than I actually got. If you
read my post after that one you’d also know the sheer amount of sacrifices I
had to make to pass through university. It was all due to the failures of
high-school that was still haunting me. I was too afraid to fail that I opted
out of social life and made study my priority. Then working at a company with
multiracial colleagues, means English is the main communication language. Again
my self-esteem was low and at the same time there were certain level of
expectation from me just by the sheer fact that I made it that far. Everyone thought
I was shy or timid, and as much I am still those two, it was more because I was
afraid to speak English with them, it’s bad enough you are new to the work and
don’t quite understand the work, it feels even worse not being able to
communicate properly.
There are two
things that I was struggling with in the stories I just told. The internal and
external struggle. Internal, being the constant battle between me and myself on
what I’m capable of, my low self-esteem and my lack confidence. The external
struggle being the expectations people put on you, be it from those who are
close to you or even the society in general. I hope I’m not the only one who is
struggling with those two almost every single day of my life.
The pressure
is real. There are days I couldn’t sleep. There are days I woke up sweating. Don’t get me started on the things that went through my mind while I was drowning at
work. I was lucky enough to have people who I could turn to, to clear my head
even just for a little while. To have a reset, to ask for help with whatever
that is on my plate. I have yet to find a cure, it has always been a reset.
There were moments of enlightenment that kept me positive for a longer period
and I wrote those enlightenments in my blog. And if you check, there are only 3
in the past decade or so. I always hoped that anyone facing similar issues
could take note of my moment of enlightenment and help them overcome their
struggles too, even for a short moment. If it didn’t help, I hope that they
have a reset button too, people they could go to, to release some of the
pressure and have the will to fight another day. If you don’t have one, find
one because know that there are a lot of people struggling in this world and
those who are struggling would want to help each other or at least listen
because we know what is it like to be in the situation. I hope I have at least
been a good listener to those around me or even to whoever that have reached
out to me. Treat people the way you want them to treat you. Lend your ears to
those in need and one day they will lend theirs to you. Believe that despite
all the negativity in the world, there are positives and cling on to it.
I’ll be honest
and admit that my background isn’t the worst. I come from a middle class
family, went to a good school, actually won a number of debating competitions,
managed to pass university with a relatively flying colours and actually went
to work at a top-tier auditing firm. The reason why I’m telling you this is
because despite the fact that my life would be considered as a success to some,
the internal and external pressure still haunt me and perhaps may even haunt me
more than it would haunt those with less fortunate life. It’s a mental thing
and it affects anyone regardless of your social status, your background or
anything for that matter.
As I’m writing
this, it has just come to my realisation that this post relates to the mental
health issues everyone has been talking about. And as much as I hate to admit
it, I just realised I might just have it to. This makes me wonder, who else has
it too and is just too afraid to admit it. We have heard news of successful individuals
or even celebrities who had these issues and some even opted out of life. We
have heard those who are poor doing just the same. We’ve seen people who smile
and crack jokes in public but cry in private. In fact, some of us are those
people, and I’ll admit here too that I am guilty of that. I have friends who
are the funniest, the happiest go lucky person I’ve met, came to me in private
and tell me about their problems. One thing is to know that anyone could have
it and another is to know not to judge anyone about it. Be it to judge when
someone has one, or even worse, is to judge that someone shouldn’t have it.
It’s easy not to judge when someone has it. But to always assume that whoever,
seem to be successful or happy, not to have it, is even worse, because you never
know when that someone actually needs you, and needs you to understand and
listen.
In 2019 I made
a conscious decision to quit my audit job. With no job offer. My interest of
the job just doesn’t quite coincide with mine. With the effort, sacrifices and
the toll it had on me, it was just not worth it anymore. Some see it as
quitting, failing at fulfilling your career. Some see it as triumph, the will
to move on from what isn’t for you despite the reward it grants. Either way,
it’s an expectation needed to be filled. One is to prove that it wasn’t
quitting or failure and the other is to live up to the expectation that it was
a right decision, that things would / should only go upwards from there. Both
are external expectations. Heavy expectations. Shouldn’t I just ignore them?
Easier said than done especially when those expectations are from those who are
really close to you. I keep a close circle to limit those expectations and yet,
it still feels so heavy. Imagine those of a bigger circle. Or is it just me?
How do you feel about people’s expectation of you? Have you ever been in a
situation that nothing you do would please everyone?
In the year
2020, a restaurant that I have heavily invested in was finally opened after
months of planning. It was a big first step in proving that my decision to quit
my job, was a good one. Two days after it was opened, the government declared a
national lockdown due to COVID-19, and it has been in a lockdown ever since.
The first big step, when you thought you can see some light, life just knocks
you down to the deep end of the black hole. I was helpless, clueless,
frustrated and of course, depressed. There was nothing I could do. A huge sum
of my savings was there. I had no job, that was the only thing I had.
Fulfilling any
expectation was out of the window. Again my decisions were questioned, both by
external parties and even myself. And that was all I could do. Again and again
you question yourself, spiraling in a deeper hole as I think where I had ended
up and how further deep I could go in this black hole. There was no end to it
because we were confined in our house, nothing much could be done. I was unable
to speak to anyone because I was ashamed of myself, I can’t bear telling anyone
how in bad shape I was and having people look at me with pity or even
disappointment. I rarely show my low self-esteem, or how weak or vulnerable I
am, but at that stage, I can’t even fake it anymore. I was afraid I could see
it in their face of what they think of me, and all the bad things I thought of
myself is also what they would think of me, despite whatever they say, or even
worse, if they just brush it off. I secluded myself, and all those negative
thoughts just keep on coming.
There are
times that we are in control of what happen around us, there are times we just
don’t. It’s either there is literally nothing we could do, or our brain simply
just can’t muster anything that could be done. Either way, it has the same
outcome. Sometimes people just don’t realise that when someone isn’t doing
anything, it’s not because they don’t want to, but it’s because they can’t for
whatever limitations they have. Not everyone is smart, not everyone has the
money, not everyone has a supporting environment, not everyone was given a
chance, not everyone was born confident, not everyone has a parent, not
everyone has a good mental health.
It seems that
the world we live in right now, everyone is trying to find someone else’s
fault, what is their weakness, what are they lacking, what can go wrong, why
does someone even exist and the digging goes a long way to the pettiest of
things, all without thinking of the consequence of things. A lonely person who
thinks they have no reason to live and then being confirmed or told the same
thing by the society, will just opt out of life. A poor person who wants to try
to have a good life but being told he will never, might just give up trying. A
teacher who tries her best to teach her students in English, but is being told
her English is so bad, might just stop teaching all together.
Most people
know their own weakness, they don’t need to be told again what are their
weakness, they need help to improve. Why are we as a society so adamant that
bringing people down is the only way to bring us up. All of us have a weakness,
if we help each other out, we could all bring ourselves up without bringing anyone
down. Perhaps it feels good to bring people down, but it is certainly not being
the receiving end. Karma is indeed a bitch. Life is like a wheel, sometimes
you’re up, sometimes you’re down. It’s about time we break the wheel and help
everyone when they are down so that we could all move forward rather than being
stuck in a cycle of despair.
I
am not out of my shadow just yet. Nowhere near it. At any moment or day,
depression might just hit me out of nowhere. A heavy one or even a mild one,
it’s still something I wouldn’t want even on my enemy to have. All my other
posts have ended on a positive note, a solution or even a positive reminder.
Don’t give up, believe in yourself, have faith, take that leap, push yourself,
go through that struggle. I have said all that. I’m not going to say it again
here, here, is where I say it’s never easy and it might never will be. Here,
what I will say is that despite all that, it is okay, not to be okay. It’s okay
to be vulnerable. It’s okay to forgo today, to live another day. It’s normal,
you are not alone. Do what you need to do, to fight another day.
This
time, I’ll be honest and say this post is not about a reminder to myself of
better days or as a motivation for me as I survive a nightmare. I have yet to survive
this, I hope I will and perhaps I will write about it when I do. This post is
perhaps a reflection of my life that it does not always end on a positive, and
that is life and I won’t hide it. It’s a personal touch. A real touch of life.
I do, however have a purpose for this post. More of a hope than a purpose. I’m
hoping that my post would give some ease to those who are going through tough
times, that they are not alone. A lot of us are going through this and knowing
we are not alone, and we should talk about it to connect to others in the same
storm and perhaps help each other out. If there is no one you can count on,
there’s always a way to reach out to me.
I’m also
hoping that people realise mental health is a real thing and it’s frightening. People
should realise this and be the best version of themselves and avoid causing
others having a mental issue. Have empathy, don’t judge, help those in need, do
whatever you can to make people happy, no matter how small it is. Have empathy,
be the better person always, be kind even when others don’t. Be more
understanding, know that we can never be in anyone’s shoes and know what they
are going through. My friend argued with me that it’s impossible to get the
society to be understanding and always have empathy first before hatred or
judgement, but in the end he agreed that it all starts with one. One step, one
person. If I could influence him, it would already be a better place than it
was yesterday. If he can influence another and then another. It will create a
chain of a better tomorrow. It’s not an overnight thing, but every step is
worth something. So my hope is that this post will at least influence one
person to have more empathy, to acknowledge mental health is an issue faced by a
lot of people and it can’t be seen so you should always avoid contributing to
that issue. You might just save a life.
I am not out
of the shadow, but deep inside, I still have hope that I cling on to. Take
constant effort to hold on to that hope. Thank you to those who helped, you
know who you are. Hopefully I have helped you the way you have helped me. Have
hope, stay safe and know that there is always someone there for you. Peace.
As I post this, my country is currently in our 3rd lockdown. An extension of it was just announced. It has been one hell of a roller coaster ride. Too many uncertainties from both the virus as well as the people in charge of combating this pandemic. We are left in the dark on any exit strategies as well as any financial help. Uncertainties creates anxieties. And anxieties , fatigue , and morale amongst other things are at an all time high. The light at the end of the tunnel seems to go further away as time passes by. Cash are flowing out fast and cash coming in is almost non-existent. Helpless. I could only pray and hope of a better tomorrow. And that I survive this. We survive this. Together. Hopefully. Godspeed.
